In Which Naruto Is Educated Regarding His Hat
by First Weaver
Summary: A list, as compiled by Uchiha Sasuke. With notes from YOUR Hokage, Naruto! Yea-ah
1. Preface

Co-written by First Weaver and Rayneken. Author's notes are at the bottom (so that those who wish to skip them may do so.) Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or anything else borrowed for this story. If I did, do you think Sasuke would be wearing so many darn clothes?

*

In Which Naruto is Educated Regarding His Hat

**Preface**

_The following is not a part of the Hokage Hat Files and should be treated as a separate document. If you are reading this, stop now before you are prosecuted._

A list has been compiled of all the things for which the distinctive Hokage's hat should _not_ be used. Appendices are included where appropriate. Possible situations related to hat abuse which have not yet occurred have been omitted to prevent the idiot from getting ideas. That list is verbal only and is classified as an S-class level 10 secret. The only persons who have clearance are Haruno Sakura, Hyuuga Hinata, Hyuuga Neji, Hatake Kakashi, and myself. Anyone else found in possession of any portion of this record will be turned over to Ibiki.

Anyone who tells Naruto about it will be given to Sakura.

-_Uchiha Sasuke_

_*_

_*_

Author's note: If you've made it this far, I applaud you. There are a couple more chapters to go, mostly silly. If anyone's curious whence the inspiration for this bit of lunacy came, I will only say this: Do not look at Hokage fanart at midnight while high on sugar and caffeine with your best friend.

Bad, bad plot bunnies may result.


	2. The List

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or anything else borrowed for this story. If I did, do you think Sasuke would act like such a butthead?

Obscene, Rude, Stupid, and Forbidden Uses for Hokage Hatwear

_AKA, "The Hokage Hat Files"_

1. Sledding/tobogganing

2. Emergency giant ramen bowl

3. Bathtub boat

4. Frisbee

5. Exclusive clothing for a clone under Oiroke no jutsu. _Okay, Sasuke, admit it. That was __really__ funny. Those genin will never be the same! _

Edit: The genin in question are now in therapy.

6. Umbrella

7. "Sakura-shield"

8. Emergency post-ramen consumption puke bowl

9. "Head on a platter" platter

10. Tanning reflector

11. You are NOT to use your hat to hide the fact that you are sleeping through meetings. _Well, if meetings were more interesting…._

12. Water fights

13. Parachute for small children and animals (including summoned toads)

14. Tapdancing prop

15. Grocery bag

16. A method for hiding unfinished paperwork

17. Binge-drinking sake bowl

18. Slime container propped above a partially open door. _You should have seen the look on Hiashi-san's FACE!_

19. Salad bowl

20. Potted plant container

21. Underwear. Period. _That was an emergency! Sakura was gonna see me naked!_

Edit: Exonerated on grounds of modesty. _Thank you! Geez!_

22. Punch bowl

23. Scarecrow

24. Fish basket

25. Infant blanket

26 You are the ONLY person allowed to wear the hat. If you dress up Kurenai's kid and let him give the jounin orders again I will KILL YOU! _He was cute! It made Kurenai laugh. And he had some really good ideas._

Edit: Importing three half-ton trucks of ice cream is not a good idea.

Second Edit, by Sakura: **It's not just Kurenumo. Don't let ANYONE pretend to be Hokage!**

_ Okay, okay, I give. I'll only do it when I have paperwork. Then Sakura can have full authority_.

** Why, you little--!**

_ *In nearly illegible handwriting:* Understood, ma'am._

27. Thousand Years of Death accessory

28. Fan

29. Stakes in a multi-national Kage poker game. _I was out of money!_

30. Do not tell the hospital staff the wearing of the hat is magical and makes you a sex god. There's nothing in the universe magical enough for that. _LIAR! I am SO sexy!_

31. The hat is not to be used to hide various items belonging to the citizens of Konoha. For full list of forbidden objects, see appendix A.

32. Or items from other countries. (Unless it's important. See appendix B)

33. Musical instrument

34. Whoopee cushion

35. Shovel

36. Pooper-Scooper TM

37. The hat (indeed, all the Hokage paraphenalia) is to remain as you receive it from the tailor. That means no slogans, appliqué, dye, Jell-o, etc.

38. You may not kidnap and attempt to ransom your own hat.


	3. Appendix A

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or anything else borrowed for this story. If I did, do you think Sasuke would still be single?

Obscene, Rude, Stupid, and Forbidden Uses for Hokage Hatwear

_AKA, "The Hokage Hat Files"_

**Appendix A**

(List of items that are not to be kept under The Hat.)

1. Paperweights

2. Liquor

3. Undergarments (particularly those belonging to clan heads of certain endangered houses!) _Endangered? What are you, a penguin?_

4. Shuriken

5. Weapons of any kind, particularly those belonging to our resident weapons mistress. _I had no idea she'd be that upset!_

Administrative note: See in archives "Tenten's Rampage"

6. Bras. No further comment.

7. Engagement rings. We don't want a repeat of last year's Christmas party. Hinata CRIED, Naruto.

8. Doorknobs

9. Dirty magazines

10. Food of any kind

11. Toys. Kids may think it's cute, but their parents don't.

12. Fireworks. You were in intensive care for a week!

13. Spiders

Edit: Includes insects and arachnids

Second edit: Also includes gastropods and crustaceans—_Aburame Shino_

Administrative note: Aburame Shino now has S-class level 10 security clearance in regards to this document, its verbal counterpart, and pertinent appendices.

_What verbal counterpart?!_

14. Reptiles, specifically snakes

15. Lee's squirrels

F16. INAL EDIT: Anything alive!


	4. Appendix B

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or anything else borrowed for this story. If I did, do you think Danzo—_Danzo!—_would be Hokage?

Obscene, Rude, Stupid, and Forbidden Uses for Hokage Hatwear

_AKA, "The Hokage Hat Files"_

**Appendix B**

(List of items that MAY be kept under The Hat.)

1. Secret scrolls

_2. Gaara's_ underwear. Not mine. _Gaara's has teddy bears!_

See Appendix C

3. Letters—regarding your _job_. Do not take Temari's personal mail!

4. Poisons

5. Rubber duckies. DO. NOT. ASK.

6. Any other items that meet the following criteria: they must 1) fit, and (This is an important AND, Naruto) 2) be important.

*Definition of important to be determined by Hatake Kakashi and Haruno Sakura


	5. Appendix C

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or anything else borrowed for this story. If I did, Gaara would be my personal sex slave.

Obscene, Rude, Stupid, and Forbidden Uses for Hokage Hatwear

_AKA, "The Hokage Hat Files"_

**Appendix C**

(Things Naruto is no longer allowed to do in Suna with his hat.)

*Note: also encompasses the original list

*Second note: You are _wrong_, Sasuke. Naruto may not take my underwear.

1. Build sand castles

2. Switch hats with Kazekage

3. Steal lemonade

4. Pretend it's a puppet

5. Bury it

6. Paint it green and hang it from the nose of the statue of the Yondaime Kazekage. While pertinent, it is not appropriate.

7. Use it to bury others

8. Wastebasket

9. Emergency note-passing and/or doodling equipment

10. Finally, it is not to be used, EVER, as the ultimate male sex symbol of the ninja world.


End file.
